Noël en France

Ok, so i've been very neglectful lately of my blog. it's been over a month...almost 2 by now... i did start an entry about what i did during the fall break traveling to lille, brussels and amsterdam...but it was just too much...and i waited too long to write so it can't be as detailed as it could've been...let me explain...no, let me sum up (princess bride anyone?) : me, suz and elise traveled by the TGV to lille, in the north of france, only stayed one night though, beautiful city but didnt get to discover it as much as i wanted. next, brussels, two nights. awesome. soooo cool. such a gorgeous city and really cool architecture...the people we hung out with were just as awesome...went to the delirium bar...absinthe bar...walked around a lot checkin stuff out...went to une soirée étudiants (student party)...basically a huge warehouse type thing with dance lights and 1 euro beers...oh and no police at all! soooo effing fun! then amsterdam...not the prettiest city and they don't speak french at all...but there's weeeeed! and that was fun...then i got the flu and slept 18 hours in my bed in our hostel...yep yep. since then, i've visited paris twice, visited a castle in saumur, chambord and chenonceau in tours (both castles, too)...all which were very fun. but...this blog isn't about what i did and where i went (maybe a little), but preferably how i feel and what i think as i experience new things.

today's christmas. and i wanna talk about it. i think it's the first year i really, truly, deeply, completely realized how much more important family/friends are than any presents received. around 3:30 am this morning, i sat in the middle of my bedroom floor, my christmas box from chip and tam between my legs. as i struggled with the exceptionally thick and sticky tape, i started to realize that even though i may feel independent in this new, foreign country, that i may tell myself i'm not homesick...my heart was. i realized i was like the bubble wrap my petits cadeaux were wrapped in: hardened, protected, sealed, but so easily punctured once touched. i sat there opening this brown square box conscious of the fact that opening a gift is only thoroughly enjoyable with others by your side...with the slight nervousness and anticipation upon the opening of it, knowing someone is watching you, but you don't want to meet the gaze until after you've torn the wrapping off. i opened my box wishing myself a merry christmas, wishing i had a stocking stuffed full of random bonbons and trinkets...i opened my box feeling wholly grateful that someone would waste 45 bucks for shipping on me just so i'd have a present on christmas. then at the same time, feeling a deep sense of loneliness that i was alone opening this..that there was no one to thank and hug...no one to watch when they opened my presents that i bought for them. no one to gaze at and watch their reaction as they got closer and closer to the prize tightly wrapped inside the cheery paper. i didnt even care that the box from my mom was in the mail and i'd still have something else to open. i'm not sure why these mix of sentiments struck me so intensely, i just know they still exist. i went to bed this christmas night with a mysterious feeling of solitude, but hoping the morning would bring something better.

it did. i woke up ready to meet the french family who was welcoming me and one of my american friends for their christmas lunch. they live in the country and have 3 kids, a boy 2 yrs. old, raphael, a girl 4 or 5 yrs. old, alban, and another boy 7 yrs. old, charles edouard. when we first arrived, they still needed to cook, so we went upstairs to play with the kids. at first, i was under the impression that we were "stuck" with the kids, but that notion quickly disappeared. it's so interesting (and cute) to hear kids talk your second language... besides other exchange students, they're actually on your level. we hung out with these kids / the family all day, ate with them, played "jungle speed," a pretty cool game, and took a walk in the countryside. these kids welcomed us so quickly, and were sitting in our laps after an hour...there's something about kids...they can feel people out very quickly. they can tell who they like and perhaps who the "good people" are. these kids are very smart, charles was telling us history stories and was interested in the animal tracks while we were taking a walk. they're also very boisterous, but when their father would tell them to behave, they would listen, or if charles would pick on his sister, he would apologize or help her find whatever he took out of her hand and threw behind the bed...there is something very honest and straight forward about kids that either makes me want to be a child again, or perhaps it's just an impossible craving to find a person like that, or the realization that i'm tainted myself, that everyone is somehow tainted by one experience or another and the chance of total honesty and innocence and vulnerability is tarnished...there was just something so genuine about these kids that intrigued me...that made me wish i could stay...that made me offer to baby-sit...that made me insist more than once to stay in contact...

there came a point when we were all walking through the muddy path uphill, and i caught the view, that just made me realize how cool it is to be here. how unique and real it is. of course i didnt let anyone on to my thoughts, but after i saw the green hills and setting sun over the country road...i thought about christmas and what it meant. people celebrate "christmas" for the "birth of christ," but not me. sure, it's a christian holiday and of course it's jesus' "day," and to some other people perhaps its just a day to bring family together and get presents. me, i thought about elizabeth as i climbed through the mud in the late afternoon. i thought about how her death showed me to never give into weakness. to always fight. because you can't let yourself down and you can't give into other's weaknesses. i loved her, i still love her, literally not a day goes by when a thought, short or in depth, about her enters my mind. she hasn't been in my dreams for a while now, and i miss her. that's how we keep in touch. the lucidity of her presence confirms many things about the "after-life," or just a different, fresh life, i like to think. maybe she's off doing something that she couldn't do here..maybe she's busy visiting places...people...maybe she's just chillin. christ died for "our" sins, and i don't care what anyone thinks, but she's like my christ. her death and my constant intrigue for what could have been of her, of our friendship, makes me keep going. when i told her i was going to study abroad, she didn't want me to go... and before she could even give it a chance she left. but the only difference between us is that i always planned on coming back. and i would've said goodbye.

sure, christmas is technically about christ, and maybe presents, but really, REALLY it's about stepping back and seeing the lushness, seeing what is presented to you. and profiting from it. and trying to transform the muddled confusion into lucid lessons. shit, you don't need mark, john, paul or those other guys to write some imaginative tale, we write our own through all the mud we trudge through trying to get to the top of that hill to see the beautiful view.

It All Can't Be Good.

Ah, the frustration continues. everyday i speak english, i feel like i'm becoming dumber. i feel i'm wasting my time, money and my knowledge. i came to france with certain goals, improving my speech being the most urgent, writing/oral comprehension second, traveling next and last meeting new people. sure, it's great to meet new people, but NOT IF THEY KNOW ENGLISH. i've started to hate english more and more....i've developed this, not-so-nice attitude with people who, once they find out i'm american, try to speak english to me...like today, for instance: i was getting pasta for dinner before i had to catch my bus back home and this asian guy started to talk to me in english...asking me questions blah blah blah...saying he knows english better than french...all that bullshit. well, guess what guy, I DON'T CARE. i told him that i don't like speaking english with people because i'm here to learn french...then i stopped talking to him....bitchy, yeah, i kinda felt bad, but i'm soooooo over helping others who are SO EXICTED THAT I SPEAK ENGLISH OMG! nope, fuck that, i don't care about you and your english needs. find some other american. that being said, i'm also a little depressed about this. me and suz talked about it today and she feels the same way. we just want to withdraw and stay at home, studying or watching french tv or something...it's a helpless feeling. it's not fair because i'm patient (was) with others whose english isnt very good, but NO ONE is patient enough to help me...being in class is great because no teachers will speak english, of course. but i want to meet other people. i'm not really good at that, but maybe i should put myself out there? check out the stupid rendez-vous set up by the school...just as a starting point. i feel helpless. i have a motivation, but somehow it gets cut down every time i try...i feel like i get one or two steps up the ladder, but then a whole crowd pushes me back down, telling me i don't belong here, that i'm not competent enough. it's a very odd feeling, something i've never dealt with before.

for example, me and suz and our friend francois went to a chateau this weekend in a close- by city called saumur...it was really beautiful, but we spoke english more than french...i asked him to speak to us in french, but somehow it always got back to english...then i shut up for a while...and they wonder "what's wrong..." isn't it obvious!?

another thing, me and suz are going to lille, then brussels then amsterdam for our "vacances de Toussaint," but, this other girl that suz just met basically invited herself...so she will be coming with us...i dont know how it will play out, but i don't like this idea. we barely know her, acutually, i don't know her at all...so, i don't know...also, another thing, suz and the 'other casey," the crazy one who betrayed me and who i don't talk to any more, well apparently they met this summer and are becoming friends...leaving each other messages on facebook and what-not...i even told suz how crazy she is, how mean and horrible, but she doesn't care...she doesn't see it, won't see it. why do i care, you ask? well, i'm jealous for one, because the best friend i had in asheville passed away and the rest of my friends are friends with me AND casey...except suz...but not anymore...i'm afraid she will take suz away from me...corrupt her...lie to her about who she is so she'll like her...i feel unwanted, and it's undeserved.......so, what is the universe trying to tell me? what are these signs it's throwing at me..."signs," if you will, more like rotten apples...

i'm thinking of traveling somewhere alone before christmas...i would like that i think. maybe go see chris in lacoste...or go to bordeaux...or paris...i don't know. apparently i have another unknown layer to myself that i wasn't aware of...i need to peel it off and figure out its purpose so i can breathe...so i can live...

on a totally different side-note, i've been listening to my french music over and over again, then finding the lyrics and reading/translating/looking up words while listening. a while ago, jake showed me this song "ne me quitte pas," originally by jacques brel, but nina simone covered it...before, i could feel her emotion and understand some words, but i never really pursued looking up the lyrics...well, i did this week, and after i read the words, looked up a couple words and re-listened a few times....i cried. yep, it's such a beautifully sad song...and i'm going to show you the verse that made me cry (i will try my best to translate, but note that the english can never be as beautiful as the original french meaning):

Moi je t'offrirai I will offer you
Des perles de pluie pearls (or beads) of rain

Venues de pays from countries
Où il ne pleut pas where it doesn't rain ( note the parallelism b/w rain and tears)
Je creuserai la terre i will dig the earth
Jusqu'apres ma mort until i die
Pour couvrir ton corps to cover your body
D'or et de lumière with gold and light
Je ferai un domaine i will make a domain (estate, provence)
Où l'amour sera roi where love will be king
Où l'amour sera loi where love will be law
Où tu seras reine where you will be queen

Ne me quitte pas (4 fois) don't leave me

You should check this song out...her voice is soooo full of genuine emotion and beauty, she really captures the beautiful sadness of the story and the way her words flow out is just amazing...i can't stop listening to it...i don't even care if i get choked up everytime i hear it...

and that brings me to the point of myself. i can't give up on myself, i can't leave myself and become an empty shell, a shadow...i've decided i can only trust myself and i have to prove to myself that i'm worth every tear and every struggle...else i might as well not live...you can't live for everyone else...i'm starting to see that clearer everyday...

Le Bon et Le Mal

Wow, i feel like i haven't written in some time...a good two weeks i suppose. i've gotten to the point now where i hate english. and i'm still frustrated. it's funny, the only thing i'm frustrated with is my speaking...everything else is alright, it's gettin' there. i feel like there is no one (meaning friends wise) who is patient enough to speak STRICTLY french with me. and i think in english. i think allll the time, so i've been trying to think in french...sometimes it works but eventually i go back to my racing english-thoughts. sighhhhh. i've been here for 6 weeks now (only been in school for 2) but godddd damn, i don't see a significant improvement in my speaking...well at least not one comparable to my oral comprehension and writing skills...whatever, i could go on and cry about this more and mention other depressing things, but i'll just ask you (whoever reads this...so i'll just assume i'm talking to myself), what should i do?! yes, i watch french films, yes i listen to french music, yes i read french things...but that doesnt help speaking...i guess i need to find someone who can practice with me? i have half a mind to ask my landlady...but nah, i'd feel silly. any advice anyone? (and don't say "practice, practice, practice," cuz i know that, duh.)

Anyway, on a slightly different thought, i've been noticing little differences between french culture and american culture that some would probably find unimportant, but it matters to me, so i'm going to mention them:

French Culture Positive Things

* La Mode-fashion-the boys here dress significantly better (no, not in a gay way) as well as the girls. it inspires me to step up and look fashionable too, a thing i like to do. i appreciate a good outfit, something i feel like is only important in New York or L.A. back home. in Asheville i felt overdressed sometimes, compared to the dirty hippies everywhere who think it's ok to wear a knee-length skirt over baggy, ripped jeans complete with socks and sandals...or crocs. ewwww, don't even want to think about that.

* The street cleanliness- there is barely any trash anywhere on the streets, something you don't realize unless you think about it....plus the buildings are beautiful as well, everything here is beautiful.

* The food- sure, i can't get a $1 taco the size of my arm at 2 am here, but everything is better quality. even things like mayonnaise are amazing...i've been slathering it on thick (dylan would be so proud!). their vegetables are soooo good, and cheap. they have the juiciest tomatoes ever, the sweetest cantaloupes, which are only about the size of a grapefruit for some reason, and cornichons! omg, i've developed a gross habit of eating half a jar in one night...they're like mini pickles but better...a bit more tangy and have more of a vinegary bite, and they throw in mini onions sometimes too! so good! apparently they're called gherkins in english, but i never noticed them until i got here...and people eat them allll the time here with their meals...or for me, it IS my meal. don't even get me started on the pastries...ok, maybe just a bit. me and suz went to a bakery the other day and got a small pastry or tartelette, a cake-ish/cookie-ish crust topped with the most fluffy, creamy, perfectly rich crême, which was topped with fresh strawberries in some kind of syrup. oh dear god, i could've eaten every single one in bakery and then told the lady to go in the back and make 10 more. i think the key is the "whipped cream." i feel ashamed calling it that because those stupid english words do no justice to this creamy dollop of cloud nine. but, since i lack all culinary vocabulary, that was the first thing that popped into my mind. anyway, it's the key. it's extremely fluffy, but thick, but not too thick, and is light but rich and perfectly sweetened. and then the fresh strawberries. jesus, i've never tasted a strawberry so juicy before. i ate it in about a minute, walking down the street with stuff all over my face. it was awesome.

* public transportation/being green- why aren't we funding awesome public transportation? there's buses all the time (except after 8ish), taxis, trains, cheap flights...it's a walkable town for the most part...and they're more green than here. a lot of people recycle, god forbid you leave a light on if you're not in that particular room, heat is only used when it's necessary, and and if you have a dryer, you only dry your socks and undies and maybe a tank top or two and hang up the rest; so many people just ride bikes to get to places...there are literally no SUVs anywhere, and if there is, it sticks out like a sore thumb and can barely navigate the skinny roads. america is just fat and greedy...quel dommage!

* nature! there are so many beautiful parks here and fountains and just cool areas to hang out...i can't really think of any place like that except, duh, the beach...and in asheville, the blue ridge parkway, duh. everything is sooo pretty here, even the cobblestone roads.

Things I Miss/Don't like

* i miss not having to do mental math every time i buy something...1.46 that's the exchange rate now...thanks Bush...and merril lynch, banks, and all those other people who already have millions of dollars but received bonuses anyway..and i'm countin' pennies, AWESOME!

* i miss pooper scoopers. not joking. people don't pick up their dog crap...who crap on the sidewalk, so i'm always aware of where i step...it's ironic that there's no trash in the streets/sidewalks, but yeah, there's gonna be poop.

* i miss good store hours. i miss 24 hours grocery stores...i miss stores being open until 9 or 10. i miss stores that don't take a 2-3 hour lunch break. i DONT miss fast food.

* i miss good southern hospitality. i know i've complained about this before, but people just are not polite about giving you room to walk on the sidewalk, or giving you room to get through a crowd of drunk people well all you have to do is pee...and some people think it's UNACCEPTABLE when they hear english...they'll glare or mutter something...very condescending and unsympathetic to someone who's trying to learn...but then, when you ARE speaking french, they'll just make fun of your accent. some people are such assholes.

* Fashion--ok what's up with girls wearing nude colored panty-hose under shorts, and even jeans??? something i just don't understand and will NEVER do. and guys wearing "decorative" scarfs...i'm not sure how i feel about this...but, there are so many attractive guys here that i guess i don't really give a damn about a stupid scarf.

* i miss vegetarian restaurants. i miss greenlife. i miss fresh market. it's kind of a struggle, well maybe not a struggle really, but it's definitely annoying, to find vegetarian food if i don't want to cook (thats right, i cook now, i sort of have to).

*ok the BIGGEST inconvience, PUBLIC TOILETS! they are soooo effing gross here. and of course, there are no "rest stops" or gas stations where you can go in and pee real fast. you either have to go to a bar/restaurant and order something (some places actually have someone regulating this) and even when you do order something, the bathroom is sooo gross! sometimes there's not even a seat on the toilet, or no toilet paper, or no soap. and they have port-o-potty looking things placed randomly downtown but you have to PAY 20 cintieme to use it, and it's disgusting. so, let's just say, i've seen a lot of boys peeing in the streets, bushes, behind cars, on walls, etc. and i know girls who have had to suffer and go squat somewhere because they can't hold it any longer. i would say that's a violation of a human right. we should be able to have FREE public restrooms, i mean DAMN!

All in all, i don't want to come home (well, to visit, yes, i miss everyone!). it's starting to become an obsession. i have to become better and better before i leave, well i'm staying another semester, i think, but only because i know i would be that much better. i've become accustomed to this place and usually don't really miss the U.S. (as a country, but i miss the people). the thought of coming back to the states seems weird to me and it hasnt even been two months! and writing this much in english isn't helping...by the way, i've noticed i've been making more mistakes in english too, esp. with spelling...awesome, i suck at both languages now! I'm going to a concert tomorrow night in Nantes to see Phoenix, a french band, but they sing in english (unfortunately) , and they're AWESOME!! I'm sooo excited! A bientôt!

I'm Riding this One Out...

I think i might be finally getting over my horrible frenchie cold, so i felt like writing a bit. I just started a new program for exchange students called CIDEF, so every student enrolled knows french as a second or third language. so, the profs speak slower and their sentence structures are simpler. i'm acutally really excited to learn and go to class and learn new things. we have a required "langue" class, which, based on the level you tested into (i acutally did really good thank you very much), teaches grammar, culture, oral skills, etc. i must admit, i feel awesome when i'm sitting in my seat and i understand pretty much everything that she's saying. Mme. Cocton is very animated, a cute younger woman i'd say in her early 30's, with cute black rimmed glasses and a pixie cut. She jokes a lot and yes, ahem, I CAN LAUGH. and you know WHY i can laugh? because i understand what she's saying. i get it. that's right, i'm a little bit awesome. sometimes, i'll confess, i might laugh a little too loud, but i just want everyone to know I GET IT. i'll be taking all kinds of classes like oral expression, art history, translation, a writing course, a phonetics course...and even though some of them are at 8 am, i'm ready to learn, though, try to tell me that at 7 am, and i'll tell you to go to hell. it's so weird to have an overwhelming sense of knowledge at your finger tips and not know what to do with it. i don't know where to start. sometimes i just look at my 501 french verbs book (by barron's, it's a bible) and just don't even know what to do. because i'm at that level where i'm just soaking up everything. everything, all the time, and later, it's quite possible that my head will explode.

But, you know, i've thought a lot about this anxious feeling, this overwhelming sense of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i can't let it back me down. i've started to realize this is probably my only opportunity to do something like this. to learn this much language and culture and i don't want to give it up. i want to stay as long as i can. i want to be here until june. though i'm overwhelmed, my heart, my gut is telling me, "casey, girl, look at how much you've improved already, how much you've learned already. you have to stay. you must stay. you belong here...." and, though it's only the beginning of october, i know if this feeling is already this strong, it's only going to become stronger, and it will fall into place because it's meant to happen. sure, my speaking isn't that great, i'd say i've progressed from an 8 year old to the bigger 10 year old, but i've personally noticed a difference in my oral comprehension. i can understand what people say to me, most of the time, and if i dont at first, just give me a couple seconds and it'll click. i've almost completely stopped staring at people like a weirdo and have been able to respond. like last night, i was out with friends, and we were doing the english/french thing, and someone teased me about being flirty or something, and i gave them a playful punch, and they looked at me and said, oh, cool you understood that? and even a couple people have told me they didn't realize my level of speaking is where it is. so, i think my nervousness has started to wear away a little, though a cocktail does speed this process up, i must admit (i'm NOT an alchy, ok?). And i know once i get into the flow of school and my classes, i will improve that much faster. sure, occasionally my american culture bumps head with the french culture, (some french ppl are acutally quite rude and cut and dry; it pisssses me off, man, GOD) but i get over it. i've always had respect for people who are bilingual, i think it's a very cool and practical and honorable skill; and to think that i might be able to be like that, (2 languages in one head, how can you live at that speed?! eddie izzard, anyone?) well, it makes me want to work harder. i don't know what the future will bring, even within these next couple months. but, nothing is forever, as much as we don't want to admit sometimes, and i've started to realize that. i've started to see i can't still live in the past while trying to build a future. all i can do is live for the present, for tomorrow and aspire to become the person i want to be, to gain the skills i know i can obtain and let the universe take care of the rest. Well, i'm off to nantes for the weekend to see a friend....À bientôt!

Very Heavy, Man

So, life can't be good all the time. Ever. It's only a matter of time before some bullshit happens that makes you yearn for the happier, fun times. Yes, even when you are in a beautiful foreign country you cannot escape immoral, ignorant and just plain cruel people. That being said, let me tell you about last night.

My group of friends, about maybe seven of us, were walking downtown to a bar. Every one was a little tipsy already, from our homemade concoctions we had been sipping earlier in the street. So, there is a joyous feel, people laughing, people flirting, people talkin, everyone ready for a shot or two. We are walking two by two because construction in this part of le centre-ville had closed off most of the road and sidewalk. BAM! I don't even know what i was doing or saying at the moment, but i just felt a stinging, burning pain on my neck. Suprised as hell, my hand shot up to the right side of my neck, looking at my hand i see a yellowish, clear slime, as i watch a shell drop to the ground. Yep, some asshole had DROPPED A MOTHER FUCKING EGG FROM ABOUT TWO OR THREE STORIES UP AND IT HIT ME!!!! Then, i begin to cry. A little because of the pain, a little because of the fact that my cute sweater and tank top and purse are now slimey and gross, but mainly, i was crying at my bad luck. why did it have to hit me? Then, i got mad and started yelling shit and wanted to go find the motherfucker who is so fucked up in the head that he thinks dropping random eggs on people is FUN. eventually, i cleaned myself up and didn't let it get the best of me and had a good rest of the night with my girls. So, that was number 1 of the night.

Number 2 and 3 happened one right after another. Suz, Camille and I are walking back to either Camille's place or Suz's place, we are kind of debating about this because Suz wants to go home and sleep in her own bed, so i was going to walk with her there and crash in her bed. Camille is adamant about all of us either staying at her place or at Suz's. Then Suz decides she wants to go home alone so she can Skype with her friends. I understand, so i say i'll just stay at camille's. But Camille will not let Suz walk alone and insists if she wants to go home alone, she must take a taxi. In the middle of this seemingly silly conversation, a couple is walking down the sidewalk across the street. The girl is pretty and blonde, wearing cute white pants, heels and an awesome Chanel purse. The man is tall, looks fit, has a crew cut and looks very military. All of the sudden she is pushed onto a nearby hood of a car, for a split second i thought he would lay of top of her and kiss her or something...but no. She struggles back up and pushes him away as they yell back and forth to each other. She starts to walk away and he catches her a few seconds later, pushing her harder and grabbing her. She gets away and enters a building i can only assume is her apartment. It is then he realizes we're watching with astonishment and anger. he yells at us in french, too fast for me and suz to understand of course, but camille is calm and tells him we're just waiting for a taxi. he yells some other stuff and then, unfortunately, goes into the same building the girl entered about 30 seconds before. Damn. i was hoping the door would've been locked. I couldn't help thinking as we crossed the street and walked the block to the train station where all the taxis wait, that she was getting the shit beaten out of her and there was nothing we could do.

Then, approaching the station, we see a trash can on fire. It was actually for recycling i think because it was only filled with paper. Camille knocks it to the ground so it wouldn't spread to the other cans close by. She tries to spread it out and stomp some out, but its no use. So she calls the fire station and we stand there waiting, watching the plastic can melt into a pile. The police arrive first and take her name, birthday and address and we leave, after putting Suz in a taxi, of course. For me and Suz, it was a realization that Angers is only safe to a certain degree. That Camille being persistent about her taking a taxi and not walking home alone was not for paranoid reasons. It was for real reasons and how naive were we to think we knew better than her...i guess the universe wanted to prove to us that Camille knew what the hell she was talking about. That she knew there were shitty people every where, even in a nice city like Angers. Talking about this later, Camille explained to me why she doesn't like those "type of people." By this she meant North Africans i.e. people from Algeria, Morocco, etc. whose cultures are similar to those of the Middle East in their views of women and power. She tells me she's not racist, though most French people would think she was, but she explained very clearly to me that the only reason she doesn't like people from that area is because they claim to be French, yet do not follow French ideals and values, instead, enforce their own and talk shit when people think they're crazy (like us). This all made sense to me as to why she was saying this after she told me that what he was angry about was because his girlfriend talked to another man. TALKED, not kissed, not slept with, not touched, TALKED. He also threatened us, saying if any of us were alone, he would've crossed the street and beaten us....soooo.....that's fun. I do understand where she is coming from. I don't think she is racist. She has a very French point of view. A universalistic view. That if you are living in a country, or even just visiting, you should accept their culture and their values and try to live like that. That when you are in a country where women are respected (more so than in countries like Algeria and the Middle East), you have no right to infringe on those values. And if you don't accept these values, then don't be in France. It was a very serious moment. Some would call it a buzz kill, but i would call it a realization. Camille actually said she was ashamed of her country because of that guy and the other "rebellious" asshole who started the fire. She then said she should've done something. She started to take the blame because she didn't try to help the girl. She said she would've rather died trying to help that girl than live with fact that the woman probably had a fat lip by now or was unconscious... i tried to convince her that he probably either had a knife or gun on him already or could've killed her or all three of us and the other girl with his bare hands. She was being stubborn though and let it get to her. So, we just decided to go to sleep and "sleep on it," as they say.

I was surrounded by awesome people last night, people who like me and care for me, and who i really liked as well. I believe they are all good people, or try to be, at least. Yet, in our little happy "partying" world, three cruel and immoral people penetrated our lives with their evil. Yes, even dropping an egg on random people is evil, it's downright mean and uncaring. There are still people in every country, every city, who are insecure or unhappy or just insane and they take it out on innocent people. As pessimistic as this sounds, the world will never find peace because of people like this. People who are close-minded and selfish...who can't even love themselves. Peace is a nice thought, a positive hope, but it's not realistic. What can we do? There's a sense of powerlessness when people do things like this. We could've called the cops on the wife-beater, but by the time they got there it would've been too late. And for the pyro, the crime was done and he got away without being seen...same for the stupid kid who threw the egg...because no one was REALLY hurt (me), the cops can't do anything. I guess all we can do is try our best to keep the scummy people out of our lives and try to find happiness between the shadows of immorality and inhumanity.

Fun, yes! But I have my own worries...

So, a lot has happened since the last post. I DID get a bike, wooohoo!! its kinda ugly though. it's lime green and red....ugh...but hey, it's free so why should i complain? So, that's a good thing. Another good thing is i've made some friends and have been going out....a lot...but not too much, don't worry, i take days for rest and to re-coop. I've been observing the cultural differences between us and them. One of my favorite things i like here is dinner/food. one of my friends took me to dinner and introduced me to all his friends (who don't really know any english) and we were there for literally five hours. probably more. but i noticed it's a time for them to bond and joke and talk... it was crazy for me to listen to them b/c they speak so fast and use so much slang... so i felt silly and like a stupid american...here in america i know a lot of people who wouldn't want to spend their money that way, but here, it's necessary, and most of all it's fun! and they always make sure you're belly is happy. always asking if you want a snack, a drink, are you ok, it's nice (reminds me of a few certain family members). my pet peeve that i've developed here is politeness of the "right of way," i guess you could say. In bars, if someone sees you're trying to get through and you're having difficulty, they won't move as much as they can to help you, they will ignore you and let you struggle on your own. from my female point of view, this angers me. men will push and shove me to get through just as if i'm a 6 foot body builder or something. i'm not. i'm 5'2 and can be knocked over as easily as a damn domino. a really small one. girls are just as bad, too. i try to be nice and let people through, try to move out of the way, try to squish myself just a bit more so someone else can fit through. well, fuck that. i ain't doin that no more. i got some strength, bitches, so get ready. it's not the same in the US. even in NY, they're not that bad. yeah, New Yorkers won't say hey to you in the street or anything, but there are still some gentlemen-like qualities i think....like letting a woman go first.... And then of course, there's la boîte...nightclub...we went to one last night for the first time and it was really fun, soooo packed though, you could barely even hold a drink. now, in here, all the guys are suddenly trying to be nice...so they can rub up on you. you have to be aggressive here b/c some random guy will grab your hand and try to samba or some shit...then when you pull your hand away, he just grabs the other. that's why it's good to go out with guy friends...they got your back. several times last night they had to step in for us girls b/c the douche bags just didnt understand the "cold shoulder" or, thought the i'm -walking -away- from -you- and -shoving your -hand-away was a welcoming gesture. sooo, it's always nice to have friends who love you and always watch out for ya.

Ok, so mostly everything here is good and fun and i'm glad i have people to go out with and everything. BUT, inside, in my head, i'm struggling. almost every single french person i meet knows some english and they always want to practice. i try my best to ask them to talk to me in french, and they do sometimes, but then we always end up going back to english. so it's always a combo of the two. right now, i feel like i'm not improving. i feel like i suck. i want to talk so bad, but i don't know the right words, or the right structure. i've been trying to practice at home, with verb books, the bbc site, and my grammar book...but it's still really hard to remember. i'm trying to switch into CIDEF, which is more language intensive and concentrates more on the french culture and they help you a lot more. i hope if i'm able to switch i'll start to learn more. i think my listening is improving, slightly, but i want to talk. that's all i want. oral skills. goddd why? i've been here for over three weeks now but i still SUCK! i'm still nervous, and i'm still stupid. i feel almost helpless b/c my mind wants soooo bad to know everything, but the database in my brain just isn't very big. so...i feel stuck. i don't even know the best way to make myself remember new words and verbs. gahhhh!!! it's so frustrating! and then, of course another worry of mine (i do that a lot, feels great) is right when i'm leaving, i'll just be getting the hang of it and i'll have to go back to the US...and i'll lose it all. or some...or most of it. i've entertained the idea of pushing back graduating a semester so i could stay longer...but then, i don't know if that's possible with my school, parents, and even myself. i miss everyone! so....the surface of my mind is having a blast and enjoying the times, but my deep mind feels in a rut, and i'm just watching myself slowly fail. it's kind of a weird fear...i almost want to give up?! me? give up?! i know! but really...i almost do...maybe i am a little? i thought if you do the work, the universe pulls through for you...well i'm freaking trying and i got nothing. WTF?

P.S. i love how my choice to use capital letters is so random...

So close, yet so far, and I'm not wearing the right shoes...

Today was a slightly off day for me, i guess you could say. I had a few errands to run like trying to open up a bank account, figure out where the closest H&M was (if you call that an errand) and try to rent, for free actually, (so i guess it's not renting, it's borrowing) a vélo, or bike. And along with that came ol' me, probably looking cute, but acting really, reallly stupid. I googled mapped the directions to a random bank, made sure i knew the word for bank account (un compte bancaire) and started walking. I noticed there were many banks to choose from on the way to my chosen one. so i went into banque populaire, and tried my best to seem intelligently french. i got turned away b/c...well, i don't completely know everything, but the gist (jist?) of it was that b/c i was only staying here for 4 months, that they don't do that, or whatever. the teller, a woman who spoke très vite, had really nice, rectangular black glasses and pretty eyes...the only reason i observed this is b/c i stood there staring at her for about 2 minutes, trying to form french words to respond,and while trying to translate her words, and while trying to gather a meaning all at the same time. so after repeating a couple times and pointing at a brochure of the train station, she told me i should go to the bank near la poste et la gare. and my wonderful response? " à la droit, là bas? Merci...au revoir... " yeah, in english that's, "to the right, over there?" Brilliant! So bank number two, i thought i would surely hit it right on and everything would work out...but no. I did do better speaking, explaining i was a student and needed to open an account and asked her why when she told me i couldn't today (argh!)...so, this woman, with a short, blonde pixie cut and weird teeth (yes, i stared blankly at her too, i bet i look so creepy) helped me understand much more than the other woman.

So, now, b/c i won't have a bank account until vendredi, friday, i can't get a bike until then. So, since that opened up some time, i decided to find where H & M was, a very cute, but low-priced clothing store. apparently it's very popular in europe but there are only like 3 or 4 in the states. i had to ask for directions, but it turned out i was on the right street, just going the wrong way..hah! they were closing in 30 mins. so i just wanted to peek in and try to find some jeans...ok, and maybe a shirt....now, i'm faced with another problem: european sizes...wtf...there taille 34 looks so big! so i found jeans that were 27 waist 30 length...and wanted to see if i guessed my size right. of course, the store was closing at that time, and i suddenly had the realization that i didn't know how to say : can i try this on? what is the verb for try on? what would the proper verb be? i don't know! I managed to mumble something about i need a room...or "cabines," apparently...and the girl quickly told me i couldn't try it on b/c they were closing...what a clever way to make someone buy what they were going to try on...it worked on me...now i have a cute little shirt! But of course, the check-out was another thing in itself. This cashier had glasses too, a short hair cut and a pissed off look... and was kind of mean...she wasn't sympathetic with my bad french...so she just switched to english and hurried me along my way.

So, i've been walking around a lot, and of course right when i think i have a good sense of direction, i get lost. the streets in le centre-ville are so confusing. they're so jam-packed together that you think, oh, i'll just go this way, i'll only be one street away from where i was...NOPE! one street becomes a lonnggggg ass hill and everything starts to look the same, and for some reason the deeper you get into downtown, the less street signs are posted. so...after about 20 minutes of taking the scenic route, i decided to ask someone. i couldn't fool myself any longer....turns out, when i finally did ask for help, i was only about 2 blocks away from the school! hah! by that time, it was after 8, so of course, no buses. so i walked the 45 minutes home, all the while thinking about my soon-to-be bike and how the hell a mac computer can be so heavy and why the hell did i decide to wear flats today....

i like walking around discovering the town though b/c little by little i'll learn it and learn it well, and won't have to print out google map directions (they don't help once you trail away from the "recommended route"). but most of all, i get to think. i love thinking. i do it all the time...non stop...i even get woken up by my thoughts...some might call it anxiety...but i call it...a lot of shit to think about. it's my time to think about everything, not just school...and time to practice my french. of course, my french is always so good in my head...then when i'm in front of a real person, it gets all caught up in my mouth and i freeze. but in my head, it's good, you should take a look sometime. i like to think about the universe a lot. i wonder where it's taking me, why it was so persistent in getting me over here...but then drops me like a lead balloon. chip tells me to pay attention, so i can maybe see some signs...but nothing so far. nothing but a broken heart (thanks a lot dave, you bastard, oh, you'll get yours hah!) and an aching back. Where are these signs...i told tam last night that i felt like france is in the cards for me...undoubtedly, but there's only one problem: I'm all in, but haven't even seen my cards. What if i'm the worst player at this game? What if i get dealt a 2...high card? What if i get a royal flush? it could swing either way at this point...and i'm rooting for myself, cuz i've been through a lot of bullshit and it's my time now...HEY, Universe, you listening? It's my time...so you better come through. so, i'm just going to walk to the beat of the songs on my ipod and do some more thinking...(hopefully) i get a bike tomorrrow!

Internet, finally!

Ahhh, the internet. i love you so...now that i have internet, my blogging can begin!!

The problem is, i've been here in Angers for over a week, so where the eff do i start?! i know, "let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start, when you read you begin with A-B-C, when you sing you begin with...." anyone? sound of music? no? ok...

Flying into Paris was amazing, i started to get excited...the guy sitting next to me was very nice, but dammit, i wanted him to just get out of the way of the window so i could see! that's right, i didn't have a freaking window seat. Anyway, from the airport to Madame Jollet's was a bitch! From the airport, to the bus, to the TGV, then a taxi to chez Jollet. At that point, my back had aged about forty years, my wheel on my duffel bag thing had broken, i was sweating balls and totally exhausted...all i wanted was sleep. the taxi driver spoke so fast and had no intentions of slowing down for me...so i just nodded and smiled after all his questions. the most i could get was "she doesnt speak much french" when we arrived to Mme Jollet's. Thanks for that, like we all here don't know that already.

I settled in pretty easily, ma chambre est grande comme est la maison. i slept for six hours after i ate something. i woke up, felt a little better. the next few days though, such a struggle. i was depressed because there was no internet, Mme didn't know how to get it, on account of the fact that she's old, her fils Michel, (Michael, in english, but it sounds like Michele) was the one who knew about the internet because he has a huge office downstairs where he does whatever his buisness is...yeah, this family is well-to-do. but, turns out, michel was neither friendly nor helpful. it was Marie, the other french girl living here, who figured it out. when she came in and told me she figured it out...i wanted to give her a hug and a present or something, it was like the universe stepped in at that moment to cheer me up. because, seriously, à ce moment-là, i was verrrry depressed. i was actually tearing up/sulking and drinking a beer when she knocked on my door. hah! so, at least the internet will keep my spirits up.

Let me explain why i'm having these emotional ups and downs. well, first off, i found out very quickly that my house is located in Les Ponts de Cé, a beautiful little town, but about a 45 min. walk from le centre-ville of Angers...this angered me. i felt betrayed. i felt like the universe was making it harder for me on purpose. i didnt unpack completely for about 3 days b/c i wanted to move so bad. i'm actually going to the housing service tomorrow to see what my options are. i might just rent a bike, which would cut down on my traveling time by about half or more i would think.

Another reason i was sad was the obvious reasons that i was in a foreign place and didn't know the town. for the first couple days i slept until about 4, then i would bullshit around until i could make myself go to sleep by watching episodes of south park and family guy that were already on my computer. then there was the fact that i only knew one person here from school, malik, and he has his own thing going on...so i felt alone. veryyyy alone. plus, i haven't been able to get my mind off of dave, who of course has called me since i've been here. so, no family here, no friends here, no boyfriend here, and not even my fat kitty monroe here to make me feel better. it was up to me. the ultimate reason i think i felt so down the first week, and still a little bit now, is that i was totally disappointed in myself. i thought i could at least struggle through the language, you know, enough to get by. Nope. i sucked! i still do...well maybe not as much. classic casey though, too hard on herself, and doesn't give herself any credit.

so, after the first couple days, i decided to get out of the house and take a walk. i walked for two hours, just looking around, taking some pictures. it felt really good. the sun felt good, the wind felt good, even the sound of the cars and bikes and motorcycles felt good. the next day i called malik and we hung out, he showed me around le centre-ville and then we bought some rum and everything felt a little better. i've been walking everyday. i feel skinny. too skinny...i feel like i need to fatten up! that will be easy here! there is something about their butter here, my god it is so good! i could just eat it plain. it's more creamy and thick, and mmmmmmm soo good. anyway, since school didn't "start" until this past thursday, i've been bouncing back between taking walks and discovering the town to riding the bus into downtown and hangin out with malik. i discovered la fleuve Loire, the Loire river. i was feeling down that day, and man, when i discovered that body of water, it made me so happy. it was beautiful. it was a clear, hot day, so i walked down to the shore and got in as far as i could go. of course i just had to wear jeans that day so i could only go up to my knees...but wow! it's so beautiful and you can just sit there and not be bothered for hours, which is what i did! i sat there and i read a little of Elle, in french of course, wrote some, took pictures, and just sat and stared for a while. i think i will post what i wrote, but no one can make fun of it or else...

Ok, so then, friday night! that was the best night so far! malik introduced me to his friend camille, who is from saumar, but who knows english very well as well as some spanish ( god why am i a stupid mono-lingual american!!??? thanks, chip! argh!). she's very fun and exudes happiness and optimism. me and malik went to her house where we met up with some other people...then the drinking ensued. hah! just some social drinking, some talking, me trying in french to talk to camille, who is very helpful. then we went downtown to the Anges et Démons festival where there was music, alcohol, plumes, fountains and crazzyy people...look to my facebook to see some of the pictures...it was such a good time, definitely made me feel better, that maybe, perhaps, i can do this. i still do feel very frustrated that i can't understand about maybe 50% of what they say when they talk fast, plus the slang, l'argot, je ne sais pas! i want to conquer this language soooo bad, i want it NOW! i think i really need to focus on taking classes that will improve my french, practice it a lot with friends/everyone, and study on my own with books (i'm going to buy barron's 501 french verbs, and my mom mailed me my grammar book from last semester, plus french podcasts and ma france on bbc). I want this so bad! a part of me is very scared that i will fail...that i won't learn as much as i can...or should've...that i'll go back to the states disappointed...i don't know, i doubt myself all the time! Well, i guess i'll stop there, for now. i've rambled too much i think. it's 12:40 am here, but i feel so awake. that's not good b/c i have to go to school in the morning...