So, a lot has happened since the last post. I DID get a bike, wooohoo!! its kinda ugly though. it's lime green and red....ugh...but hey, it's free so why should i complain? So, that's a good thing. Another good thing is i've made some friends and have been going out....a lot...but not too much, don't worry, i take days for rest and to re-coop. I've been observing the cultural differences between us and them. One of my favorite things i like here is dinner/food. one of my friends took me to dinner and introduced me to all his friends (who don't really know any english) and we were there for literally five hours. probably more. but i noticed it's a time for them to bond and joke and talk... it was crazy for me to listen to them b/c they speak so fast and use so much slang... so i felt silly and like a stupid american...here in america i know a lot of people who wouldn't want to spend their money that way, but here, it's necessary, and most of all it's fun! and they always make sure you're belly is happy. always asking if you want a snack, a drink, are you ok, it's nice (reminds me of a few certain family members). my pet peeve that i've developed here is politeness of the "right of way," i guess you could say. In bars, if someone sees you're trying to get through and you're having difficulty, they won't move as much as they can to help you, they will ignore you and let you struggle on your own. from my female point of view, this angers me. men will push and shove me to get through just as if i'm a 6 foot body builder or something. i'm not. i'm 5'2 and can be knocked over as easily as a damn domino. a really small one. girls are just as bad, too. i try to be nice and let people through, try to move out of the way, try to squish myself just a bit more so someone else can fit through. well, fuck that. i ain't doin that no more. i got some strength, bitches, so get ready. it's not the same in the US. even in NY, they're not that bad. yeah, New Yorkers won't say hey to you in the street or anything, but there are still some gentlemen-like qualities i think....like letting a woman go first.... And then of course, there's la boîte...nightclub...we went to one last night for the first time and it was really fun, soooo packed though, you could barely even hold a drink. now, in here, all the guys are suddenly trying to be nice...so they can rub up on you. you have to be aggressive here b/c some random guy will grab your hand and try to samba or some shit...then when you pull your hand away, he just grabs the other. that's why it's good to go out with guy friends...they got your back. several times last night they had to step in for us girls b/c the douche bags just didnt understand the "cold shoulder" or, thought the i'm -walking -away- from -you- and -shoving your -hand-away was a welcoming gesture. sooo, it's always nice to have friends who love you and always watch out for ya.
Ok, so mostly everything here is good and fun and i'm glad i have people to go out with and everything. BUT, inside, in my head, i'm struggling. almost every single french person i meet knows some english and they always want to practice. i try my best to ask them to talk to me in french, and they do sometimes, but then we always end up going back to english. so it's always a combo of the two. right now, i feel like i'm not improving. i feel like i suck. i want to talk so bad, but i don't know the right words, or the right structure. i've been trying to practice at home, with verb books, the bbc site, and my grammar book...but it's still really hard to remember. i'm trying to switch into CIDEF, which is more language intensive and concentrates more on the french culture and they help you a lot more. i hope if i'm able to switch i'll start to learn more. i think my listening is improving, slightly, but i want to talk. that's all i want. oral skills. goddd why? i've been here for over three weeks now but i still SUCK! i'm still nervous, and i'm still stupid. i feel almost helpless b/c my mind wants soooo bad to know everything, but the database in my brain just isn't very big. so...i feel stuck. i don't even know the best way to make myself remember new words and verbs. gahhhh!!! it's so frustrating! and then, of course another worry of mine (i do that a lot, feels great) is right when i'm leaving, i'll just be getting the hang of it and i'll have to go back to the US...and i'll lose it all. or some...or most of it. i've entertained the idea of pushing back graduating a semester so i could stay longer...but then, i don't know if that's possible with my school, parents, and even myself. i miss everyone! so....the surface of my mind is having a blast and enjoying the times, but my deep mind feels in a rut, and i'm just watching myself slowly fail. it's kind of a weird fear...i almost want to give up?! me? give up?! i know! but really...i almost do...maybe i am a little? i thought if you do the work, the universe pulls through for you...well i'm freaking trying and i got nothing. WTF?
P.S. i love how my choice to use capital letters is so random...
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