It All Can't Be Good.

Ah, the frustration continues. everyday i speak english, i feel like i'm becoming dumber. i feel i'm wasting my time, money and my knowledge. i came to france with certain goals, improving my speech being the most urgent, writing/oral comprehension second, traveling next and last meeting new people. sure, it's great to meet new people, but NOT IF THEY KNOW ENGLISH. i've started to hate english more and more....i've developed this, not-so-nice attitude with people who, once they find out i'm american, try to speak english to me...like today, for instance: i was getting pasta for dinner before i had to catch my bus back home and this asian guy started to talk to me in english...asking me questions blah blah blah...saying he knows english better than french...all that bullshit. well, guess what guy, I DON'T CARE. i told him that i don't like speaking english with people because i'm here to learn french...then i stopped talking to him....bitchy, yeah, i kinda felt bad, but i'm soooooo over helping others who are SO EXICTED THAT I SPEAK ENGLISH OMG! nope, fuck that, i don't care about you and your english needs. find some other american. that being said, i'm also a little depressed about this. me and suz talked about it today and she feels the same way. we just want to withdraw and stay at home, studying or watching french tv or something...it's a helpless feeling. it's not fair because i'm patient (was) with others whose english isnt very good, but NO ONE is patient enough to help me...being in class is great because no teachers will speak english, of course. but i want to meet other people. i'm not really good at that, but maybe i should put myself out there? check out the stupid rendez-vous set up by the school...just as a starting point. i feel helpless. i have a motivation, but somehow it gets cut down every time i try...i feel like i get one or two steps up the ladder, but then a whole crowd pushes me back down, telling me i don't belong here, that i'm not competent enough. it's a very odd feeling, something i've never dealt with before.

for example, me and suz and our friend francois went to a chateau this weekend in a close- by city called saumur...it was really beautiful, but we spoke english more than french...i asked him to speak to us in french, but somehow it always got back to english...then i shut up for a while...and they wonder "what's wrong..." isn't it obvious!?

another thing, me and suz are going to lille, then brussels then amsterdam for our "vacances de Toussaint," but, this other girl that suz just met basically invited herself...so she will be coming with us...i dont know how it will play out, but i don't like this idea. we barely know her, acutually, i don't know her at all...so, i don't know...also, another thing, suz and the 'other casey," the crazy one who betrayed me and who i don't talk to any more, well apparently they met this summer and are becoming friends...leaving each other messages on facebook and what-not...i even told suz how crazy she is, how mean and horrible, but she doesn't care...she doesn't see it, won't see it. why do i care, you ask? well, i'm jealous for one, because the best friend i had in asheville passed away and the rest of my friends are friends with me AND casey...except suz...but not anymore...i'm afraid she will take suz away from me...corrupt her...lie to her about who she is so she'll like her...i feel unwanted, and it's undeserved.......so, what is the universe trying to tell me? what are these signs it's throwing at me..."signs," if you will, more like rotten apples...

i'm thinking of traveling somewhere alone before christmas...i would like that i think. maybe go see chris in lacoste...or go to bordeaux...or paris...i don't know. apparently i have another unknown layer to myself that i wasn't aware of...i need to peel it off and figure out its purpose so i can breathe...so i can live...

on a totally different side-note, i've been listening to my french music over and over again, then finding the lyrics and reading/translating/looking up words while listening. a while ago, jake showed me this song "ne me quitte pas," originally by jacques brel, but nina simone covered it...before, i could feel her emotion and understand some words, but i never really pursued looking up the lyrics...well, i did this week, and after i read the words, looked up a couple words and re-listened a few times....i cried. yep, it's such a beautifully sad song...and i'm going to show you the verse that made me cry (i will try my best to translate, but note that the english can never be as beautiful as the original french meaning):

Moi je t'offrirai I will offer you
Des perles de pluie pearls (or beads) of rain

Venues de pays from countries
Où il ne pleut pas where it doesn't rain ( note the parallelism b/w rain and tears)
Je creuserai la terre i will dig the earth
Jusqu'apres ma mort until i die
Pour couvrir ton corps to cover your body
D'or et de lumière with gold and light
Je ferai un domaine i will make a domain (estate, provence)
Où l'amour sera roi where love will be king
Où l'amour sera loi where love will be law
Où tu seras reine where you will be queen

Ne me quitte pas (4 fois) don't leave me

You should check this song out...her voice is soooo full of genuine emotion and beauty, she really captures the beautiful sadness of the story and the way her words flow out is just amazing...i can't stop listening to it...i don't even care if i get choked up everytime i hear it...

and that brings me to the point of myself. i can't give up on myself, i can't leave myself and become an empty shell, a shadow...i've decided i can only trust myself and i have to prove to myself that i'm worth every tear and every struggle...else i might as well not live...you can't live for everyone else...i'm starting to see that clearer everyday...