Fun, yes! But I have my own worries...

So, a lot has happened since the last post. I DID get a bike, wooohoo!! its kinda ugly though. it's lime green and red....ugh...but hey, it's free so why should i complain? So, that's a good thing. Another good thing is i've made some friends and have been going out....a lot...but not too much, don't worry, i take days for rest and to re-coop. I've been observing the cultural differences between us and them. One of my favorite things i like here is dinner/food. one of my friends took me to dinner and introduced me to all his friends (who don't really know any english) and we were there for literally five hours. probably more. but i noticed it's a time for them to bond and joke and talk... it was crazy for me to listen to them b/c they speak so fast and use so much slang... so i felt silly and like a stupid american...here in america i know a lot of people who wouldn't want to spend their money that way, but here, it's necessary, and most of all it's fun! and they always make sure you're belly is happy. always asking if you want a snack, a drink, are you ok, it's nice (reminds me of a few certain family members). my pet peeve that i've developed here is politeness of the "right of way," i guess you could say. In bars, if someone sees you're trying to get through and you're having difficulty, they won't move as much as they can to help you, they will ignore you and let you struggle on your own. from my female point of view, this angers me. men will push and shove me to get through just as if i'm a 6 foot body builder or something. i'm not. i'm 5'2 and can be knocked over as easily as a damn domino. a really small one. girls are just as bad, too. i try to be nice and let people through, try to move out of the way, try to squish myself just a bit more so someone else can fit through. well, fuck that. i ain't doin that no more. i got some strength, bitches, so get ready. it's not the same in the US. even in NY, they're not that bad. yeah, New Yorkers won't say hey to you in the street or anything, but there are still some gentlemen-like qualities i think....like letting a woman go first.... And then of course, there's la boîte...nightclub...we went to one last night for the first time and it was really fun, soooo packed though, you could barely even hold a drink. now, in here, all the guys are suddenly trying to be nice...so they can rub up on you. you have to be aggressive here b/c some random guy will grab your hand and try to samba or some shit...then when you pull your hand away, he just grabs the other. that's why it's good to go out with guy friends...they got your back. several times last night they had to step in for us girls b/c the douche bags just didnt understand the "cold shoulder" or, thought the i'm -walking -away- from -you- and -shoving your -hand-away was a welcoming gesture. sooo, it's always nice to have friends who love you and always watch out for ya.

Ok, so mostly everything here is good and fun and i'm glad i have people to go out with and everything. BUT, inside, in my head, i'm struggling. almost every single french person i meet knows some english and they always want to practice. i try my best to ask them to talk to me in french, and they do sometimes, but then we always end up going back to english. so it's always a combo of the two. right now, i feel like i'm not improving. i feel like i suck. i want to talk so bad, but i don't know the right words, or the right structure. i've been trying to practice at home, with verb books, the bbc site, and my grammar book...but it's still really hard to remember. i'm trying to switch into CIDEF, which is more language intensive and concentrates more on the french culture and they help you a lot more. i hope if i'm able to switch i'll start to learn more. i think my listening is improving, slightly, but i want to talk. that's all i want. oral skills. goddd why? i've been here for over three weeks now but i still SUCK! i'm still nervous, and i'm still stupid. i feel almost helpless b/c my mind wants soooo bad to know everything, but the database in my brain just isn't very big. so...i feel stuck. i don't even know the best way to make myself remember new words and verbs. gahhhh!!! it's so frustrating! and then, of course another worry of mine (i do that a lot, feels great) is right when i'm leaving, i'll just be getting the hang of it and i'll have to go back to the US...and i'll lose it all. or some...or most of it. i've entertained the idea of pushing back graduating a semester so i could stay longer...but then, i don't know if that's possible with my school, parents, and even myself. i miss everyone! so....the surface of my mind is having a blast and enjoying the times, but my deep mind feels in a rut, and i'm just watching myself slowly fail. it's kind of a weird fear...i almost want to give up?! me? give up?! i know! but really...i almost do...maybe i am a little? i thought if you do the work, the universe pulls through for you...well i'm freaking trying and i got nothing. WTF?

P.S. i love how my choice to use capital letters is so random...

So close, yet so far, and I'm not wearing the right shoes...

Today was a slightly off day for me, i guess you could say. I had a few errands to run like trying to open up a bank account, figure out where the closest H&M was (if you call that an errand) and try to rent, for free actually, (so i guess it's not renting, it's borrowing) a vélo, or bike. And along with that came ol' me, probably looking cute, but acting really, reallly stupid. I googled mapped the directions to a random bank, made sure i knew the word for bank account (un compte bancaire) and started walking. I noticed there were many banks to choose from on the way to my chosen one. so i went into banque populaire, and tried my best to seem intelligently french. i got turned away b/c...well, i don't completely know everything, but the gist (jist?) of it was that b/c i was only staying here for 4 months, that they don't do that, or whatever. the teller, a woman who spoke très vite, had really nice, rectangular black glasses and pretty eyes...the only reason i observed this is b/c i stood there staring at her for about 2 minutes, trying to form french words to respond,and while trying to translate her words, and while trying to gather a meaning all at the same time. so after repeating a couple times and pointing at a brochure of the train station, she told me i should go to the bank near la poste et la gare. and my wonderful response? " à la droit, là bas? Merci...au revoir... " yeah, in english that's, "to the right, over there?" Brilliant! So bank number two, i thought i would surely hit it right on and everything would work out...but no. I did do better speaking, explaining i was a student and needed to open an account and asked her why when she told me i couldn't today (argh!)...so, this woman, with a short, blonde pixie cut and weird teeth (yes, i stared blankly at her too, i bet i look so creepy) helped me understand much more than the other woman.

So, now, b/c i won't have a bank account until vendredi, friday, i can't get a bike until then. So, since that opened up some time, i decided to find where H & M was, a very cute, but low-priced clothing store. apparently it's very popular in europe but there are only like 3 or 4 in the states. i had to ask for directions, but it turned out i was on the right street, just going the wrong way..hah! they were closing in 30 mins. so i just wanted to peek in and try to find some jeans...ok, and maybe a shirt....now, i'm faced with another problem: european sizes...wtf...there taille 34 looks so big! so i found jeans that were 27 waist 30 length...and wanted to see if i guessed my size right. of course, the store was closing at that time, and i suddenly had the realization that i didn't know how to say : can i try this on? what is the verb for try on? what would the proper verb be? i don't know! I managed to mumble something about i need a room...or "cabines," apparently...and the girl quickly told me i couldn't try it on b/c they were closing...what a clever way to make someone buy what they were going to try on...it worked on me...now i have a cute little shirt! But of course, the check-out was another thing in itself. This cashier had glasses too, a short hair cut and a pissed off look... and was kind of mean...she wasn't sympathetic with my bad french...so she just switched to english and hurried me along my way.

So, i've been walking around a lot, and of course right when i think i have a good sense of direction, i get lost. the streets in le centre-ville are so confusing. they're so jam-packed together that you think, oh, i'll just go this way, i'll only be one street away from where i was...NOPE! one street becomes a lonnggggg ass hill and everything starts to look the same, and for some reason the deeper you get into downtown, the less street signs are posted. so...after about 20 minutes of taking the scenic route, i decided to ask someone. i couldn't fool myself any longer....turns out, when i finally did ask for help, i was only about 2 blocks away from the school! hah! by that time, it was after 8, so of course, no buses. so i walked the 45 minutes home, all the while thinking about my soon-to-be bike and how the hell a mac computer can be so heavy and why the hell did i decide to wear flats today....

i like walking around discovering the town though b/c little by little i'll learn it and learn it well, and won't have to print out google map directions (they don't help once you trail away from the "recommended route"). but most of all, i get to think. i love thinking. i do it all the time...non stop...i even get woken up by my thoughts...some might call it anxiety...but i call it...a lot of shit to think about. it's my time to think about everything, not just school...and time to practice my french. of course, my french is always so good in my head...then when i'm in front of a real person, it gets all caught up in my mouth and i freeze. but in my head, it's good, you should take a look sometime. i like to think about the universe a lot. i wonder where it's taking me, why it was so persistent in getting me over here...but then drops me like a lead balloon. chip tells me to pay attention, so i can maybe see some signs...but nothing so far. nothing but a broken heart (thanks a lot dave, you bastard, oh, you'll get yours hah!) and an aching back. Where are these signs...i told tam last night that i felt like france is in the cards for me...undoubtedly, but there's only one problem: I'm all in, but haven't even seen my cards. What if i'm the worst player at this game? What if i get dealt a 2...high card? What if i get a royal flush? it could swing either way at this point...and i'm rooting for myself, cuz i've been through a lot of bullshit and it's my time now...HEY, Universe, you listening? It's my time...so you better come through. so, i'm just going to walk to the beat of the songs on my ipod and do some more thinking...(hopefully) i get a bike tomorrrow!

Internet, finally!

Ahhh, the internet. i love you so...now that i have internet, my blogging can begin!!

The problem is, i've been here in Angers for over a week, so where the eff do i start?! i know, "let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start, when you read you begin with A-B-C, when you sing you begin with...." anyone? sound of music? no? ok...

Flying into Paris was amazing, i started to get excited...the guy sitting next to me was very nice, but dammit, i wanted him to just get out of the way of the window so i could see! that's right, i didn't have a freaking window seat. Anyway, from the airport to Madame Jollet's was a bitch! From the airport, to the bus, to the TGV, then a taxi to chez Jollet. At that point, my back had aged about forty years, my wheel on my duffel bag thing had broken, i was sweating balls and totally exhausted...all i wanted was sleep. the taxi driver spoke so fast and had no intentions of slowing down for me...so i just nodded and smiled after all his questions. the most i could get was "she doesnt speak much french" when we arrived to Mme Jollet's. Thanks for that, like we all here don't know that already.

I settled in pretty easily, ma chambre est grande comme est la maison. i slept for six hours after i ate something. i woke up, felt a little better. the next few days though, such a struggle. i was depressed because there was no internet, Mme didn't know how to get it, on account of the fact that she's old, her fils Michel, (Michael, in english, but it sounds like Michele) was the one who knew about the internet because he has a huge office downstairs where he does whatever his buisness is...yeah, this family is well-to-do. but, turns out, michel was neither friendly nor helpful. it was Marie, the other french girl living here, who figured it out. when she came in and told me she figured it out...i wanted to give her a hug and a present or something, it was like the universe stepped in at that moment to cheer me up. because, seriously, à ce moment-là, i was verrrry depressed. i was actually tearing up/sulking and drinking a beer when she knocked on my door. hah! so, at least the internet will keep my spirits up.

Let me explain why i'm having these emotional ups and downs. well, first off, i found out very quickly that my house is located in Les Ponts de Cé, a beautiful little town, but about a 45 min. walk from le centre-ville of Angers...this angered me. i felt betrayed. i felt like the universe was making it harder for me on purpose. i didnt unpack completely for about 3 days b/c i wanted to move so bad. i'm actually going to the housing service tomorrow to see what my options are. i might just rent a bike, which would cut down on my traveling time by about half or more i would think.

Another reason i was sad was the obvious reasons that i was in a foreign place and didn't know the town. for the first couple days i slept until about 4, then i would bullshit around until i could make myself go to sleep by watching episodes of south park and family guy that were already on my computer. then there was the fact that i only knew one person here from school, malik, and he has his own thing going on...so i felt alone. veryyyy alone. plus, i haven't been able to get my mind off of dave, who of course has called me since i've been here. so, no family here, no friends here, no boyfriend here, and not even my fat kitty monroe here to make me feel better. it was up to me. the ultimate reason i think i felt so down the first week, and still a little bit now, is that i was totally disappointed in myself. i thought i could at least struggle through the language, you know, enough to get by. Nope. i sucked! i still do...well maybe not as much. classic casey though, too hard on herself, and doesn't give herself any credit.

so, after the first couple days, i decided to get out of the house and take a walk. i walked for two hours, just looking around, taking some pictures. it felt really good. the sun felt good, the wind felt good, even the sound of the cars and bikes and motorcycles felt good. the next day i called malik and we hung out, he showed me around le centre-ville and then we bought some rum and everything felt a little better. i've been walking everyday. i feel skinny. too skinny...i feel like i need to fatten up! that will be easy here! there is something about their butter here, my god it is so good! i could just eat it plain. it's more creamy and thick, and mmmmmmm soo good. anyway, since school didn't "start" until this past thursday, i've been bouncing back between taking walks and discovering the town to riding the bus into downtown and hangin out with malik. i discovered la fleuve Loire, the Loire river. i was feeling down that day, and man, when i discovered that body of water, it made me so happy. it was beautiful. it was a clear, hot day, so i walked down to the shore and got in as far as i could go. of course i just had to wear jeans that day so i could only go up to my knees...but wow! it's so beautiful and you can just sit there and not be bothered for hours, which is what i did! i sat there and i read a little of Elle, in french of course, wrote some, took pictures, and just sat and stared for a while. i think i will post what i wrote, but no one can make fun of it or else...

Ok, so then, friday night! that was the best night so far! malik introduced me to his friend camille, who is from saumar, but who knows english very well as well as some spanish ( god why am i a stupid mono-lingual american!!??? thanks, chip! argh!). she's very fun and exudes happiness and optimism. me and malik went to her house where we met up with some other people...then the drinking ensued. hah! just some social drinking, some talking, me trying in french to talk to camille, who is very helpful. then we went downtown to the Anges et Démons festival where there was music, alcohol, plumes, fountains and crazzyy people...look to my facebook to see some of the pictures...it was such a good time, definitely made me feel better, that maybe, perhaps, i can do this. i still do feel very frustrated that i can't understand about maybe 50% of what they say when they talk fast, plus the slang, l'argot, je ne sais pas! i want to conquer this language soooo bad, i want it NOW! i think i really need to focus on taking classes that will improve my french, practice it a lot with friends/everyone, and study on my own with books (i'm going to buy barron's 501 french verbs, and my mom mailed me my grammar book from last semester, plus french podcasts and ma france on bbc). I want this so bad! a part of me is very scared that i will fail...that i won't learn as much as i can...or should've...that i'll go back to the states disappointed...i don't know, i doubt myself all the time! Well, i guess i'll stop there, for now. i've rambled too much i think. it's 12:40 am here, but i feel so awake. that's not good b/c i have to go to school in the morning...