Dix Choses Honnêtes

I was reading sara's blog and she said anyone who reads the '10 honest things' is tagged...ah hell why not?

1. I wanna live in europe/abroad for the rest of my life.
2. I doubt my intelligence/cabability all the time despite reassurance from others and cover it up with sarcastic remarks most of the time.
3. I think bacon smells good (i know, vegetarians arent allowed to think that but whatev)
4. It makes me really sad that i havent met my brother's child yet.
5. I have a huge shopping problem.
6. I like my blonde hair and I dont ever wanna be brunette.
7. Graduating college scares the shit out of me, im afraid ill end up a failure, or worse, a 40 year old waitress at Waffle House.
8. Appearances are important to me (esp clean teeth and tanning)
9. Im sick of organized religions and people being punished for being different
10. Karma is real and im not going to deny that there are some things out there that will kick me in my ass sooner or later...
11. I love writing and think it's the only thing im good at...but i have only just realized this my last semester of college...
12. I hate french keyboards.
PS i added two more cuz im cool and rebellious like that. whattt up. if someone reads this, you're tagged for 12 honest things....do it to it.

I Ain't Ever Comin' Back...

écoute tout le monde, it's not that i don't love you all and miss you....but damnit, i have no desire to go home. none. seriously. yes, i miss certain things from the US, but in perspective they hold no real value to me (besides friends and family, of course). it's even gotten to the point where i don't even remember how i would ask for something at a restaurant, store, etc. in english.... even while writing this i have french phrases/words flying through my head...when i think about the fact that it is already the end of january, i become anxious and start making lists in my head of what i have to do before i leave, like a "bucket list" or something...and i do think a part of me will die a bit once i return...that feeling of internationality...of culture....all going to be drained away like frigid, stagnant bath water...i do believe these doomed thoughts come from my constant feelings of self-doubt...which manifest from my perfectionist character traits...the second i feel a bit proud...i get discouraged because i make mistakes. in my distortion, i've come to believe that i should only leave France once i have a decent level of fluency....so yes, a large part of me wants to stay....for years. regardless of the fact that i'm my own worst critic...maybe even the worst critic of my critic too...i am positively sure that i want to get out of the US once i graduate...i don't know how that will happen, money being the hindrance, but if i try, surely something will come for me, right? Right.

on a differnt note, why do crazy people always ride the bus? more importantly, why are they always near me? there are some regular crazies who ride the number 8 with me...you got, girl with a sunken-in-chin-maybe-has-no-teeth-but-does-have-a-face-rash, Monsieur talks-to-himself.....loudly....M. i'm-going-to-look-at-you-while-saying-things-that-have-no-meaning, M. i -like-to-walk-around-the-bus-and-stand-really-close-to-all the passengers, and then of course you got your drunks who don't even realize they're bumping into people as they stumble to the back, or the younger bums with sagging pants, ratty beanies and dirty shoes, who reek of cigs and alcohol so strong that i can almost feel myself getting 2nd hand cancer...but of course there are the normal people too...and the beautiful people too...and kids. little kids on this bus filled with an odd combination of people...sometimes i just want to ask where are their mothers...then i wonder what the other normal people think of me. i know my scowling and looking down constantly doesn't help...i wonder if they can tell i'm american and if they can hear my music leaking out of my ipod...and if so, do they like it? because i've definitely had a few experiences where i was the one able to hear the music...and it was a guy about my age...slicked back hair, leather jacket, baggy jeans....M. Cool...or i'm sure he'd like to think so. the fact of the matter is, he made the mistake of turning his "jams" on way too loud and a similar whine not so unlike britney spears, kelly clarkson and miley cyrus came flowing from his mp3 player...what. a. douche. that perked up my morning for sure.

So, on a general note now, i'm starting UCO classes (that means just in the regular university, with french students and exchange students) this semester...i'm excited to see how i'll do with the comprehension and the work...but mostly i just wanna meet new people...but even more than that, i wanna prove to myself that i can do this...i'm ready for this challenge.

Also: a couple weeks ago i finished Sartre's "La Putain Respecteuse," have moved onto a bilingual version of sherlock holmes, english on one page, french on the other: don't worry i don't cheat!!! have downloaded some new french music...have started to run/work-out again, realized my classes are getting a bit too easy now, got permission to play the keyboard in the living room, started my visa renewal process, and have been really nostalgic for the sun. my mom and ellery are coming in less than two weeks: a week in paris!! wooohooooooo!!!! i'll be sure to take lots of pictures....à bientôt bitches.