i only have a few months left here and all i keep thinking about is how can i stretch my time here till the last possible moment? i dread the thought of leaving. the thought of it brings a dampness to my eyes already....i've almost become what they call an "ex-patriot." that's to say i prefer europe to "my country." which is true. in general, i like it better. sure, i miss some aspects of the US, my friends and family, but the idea of living in the US to me is like throwing an eagle in a cage. i'm not trying to sound pretentious, i understand fully that each person has his niche. each person is comfortable in a different place. all i'm saying is, i'm no longer comfortable in the US. it feels like i've lived in france for years. it feels homey. but the most attractive aspect of europe is the mix of cultures. you can get on a plane and in a few hours you can be in spain, or holland, or italy, or greece, or wherever. in a few hours you land on an entirely different culture, language, traditions, mode de vie...all of that. and that is infinitely intriguing for me. i have the travel virus. and bad. i desire to see all of europe, and the fact that i can't right now kills me. for one, i'm too poor, and secondly, i have to go home and graduate, dammit. but i've always kept a thought at the front of my brain that tam actually told me about seeing paris: don't try to see everything the first time you go. it's too big of a city. assume that you'll be back. and i'll be, she was right. i will come back. and the second time around i can go to those countries i haven't seen yet.
What's this "new" Casey like? i'm sure you're all so eager to know. i'm sure you're losing sleep over it. ok, not including the funds from my parents, i'm pretty independent. i've finally realized that the only person i need to rely on to be happy is...um, duh,myself. i've been able to recognize my improvements in the language and actually give myself credit for it, i'm more outgoing and willing to meet new people. ok, but, the french education system is so easy compared to the US, that it's hard to motivate yourself to do any work b/c they don't give out homework or anything...so i've been a bit of a slacker on that side of it, but, my appreciation of alcohol has risen, so you know, that's cool too. Also, family. communication. i didn't have internet at my house for a fucking month. i was pretty depressed. couldn't talk to my family or friends, not even on facebook or ichat or anything. i need my friends and family so we can exchange stories and adventures, ideas and discoveries; you know how when you experience something funny or amazing or scary, there's always that one person that you know who will appreciate it more than anyone else...well i lost that for a month. and telling it over and over to myself just made me feel a wee mad.
The most striking realization that i've had is that i'm only 21, but i sense a feeling of direction in my life. Sure, it's not a defined, carved-out path, but more like a compass pointing in a general direction...maybe swinging from south to southeast, but whether i go south or east or southeast, i'll hit my land destination. sure, i'm gliding on vast, open waters, but isn't that more beautiful than sailing on a meager, man-made canal where you already know you'll end up? Yes, the US would be a safe, comfortable place for me to live. i know the language, i have family and friends close by, i understand it well, etc. But if i wanted comfortable, i'd go to Ikea. i'm looking for the excitement of other worlds. i'm looking for the reward of being able to handle a foreign language well, i'm looking for different beliefs and perspectives. yeah, i'm not in a 3rd world country where there's no running water or internet...but everyone has to start somewhere. and i like this beginning. who's to say i won't end up in africa, or haiti or anywhere. it's my boat. i'm the captain. so, i'll be docking for a few months while i obtain my diploma, but after that, we're setting off again into the blue. I'll miss you France, but girl, you know i'll be back within a year, ready more than ever to conquer your language. The idea of graduating college and actually being in the "real world" used to terrify me. Now, sure, it's still scary, but it's something i've accepted and have realized that only i control the outcome.
